Periods of off and on / Panic Attack

 I get stuck quite often. I'll be doing great, and then I just shut down. I forget about what matters to me, eat like shit, and get high more often. I think this is the first time I'm admitting to smoking pot online. It feels wrong but I don't think anyone will see this! 

It's funny. As I've never written down or addressed the new hobby I've picked up. I feel like it's so foreign, and I'm questioning whether I should have ever gotten into it. It feels embarrassing to discuss this, much to my surprise. I've begun using weed as a way to "give up" on the day. Once I decide that I don't care to do anything after work, my immediate response is to take a hit and see where the night leads. 

Sometimes it leads me to my couch, other times Dominos. Often times Dominos. I've found great joy in being high, and at the right times,  it helps me connect some mental pieces. 

Few Days Later

I am currently experiencing a panic attack. I've gotten much better at recognizing the feeling it brings with it. Often times I feel unable to focus and experience shortness of breath. Then I go into a state of watching youtube videos to avoid things. Deep breathing has helped greatly, though this time it's more of a temporary relief. As is writing this paragraph. 

Whenever I acknowledge a panic attack, it subsides. At least to a certain degree. The first few times I was so relieved that I knew I wasn't dying, that they ended in a large release of pent up emotions. They are happening more often, and I've never experienced it prior to moving to Boulder. I don't want to jinx anything, but I feel a lot better since I began writing. 

I have massive weekend stress - I think that's what caused this one. I feel obligated to always be doing something on the weekends. 

I'm coming down. This one was a much less intense attack than I've previously had. It is a massive phyiscal and mental relief. It's like both my brain and muscles were tense and couldn't relax. 

Written in 2017. Oof!

I want to be able to express myself.

First I should figure out why I want to do so.

I believe there are lots of people that don't have "it". The thing that me and only a few other people I know have. The majority of people I used to interact with seemed to be extras in a movie. Surface level personality with clear motives which lead them through their lives. Recently I have met others who seem to have full and deep personalities with interesting morals and traits. Unfortunately, both these types of people don't have "it".

I want other people who have "it" to see myself and feel a connection and an urge to meet. This is a selfish reason as I always have the best times and conversations with people who also share "it" with me. It's a great dream to imagine having people around me who all share "it". This can lead to many good things for my life personally.

If I could express myself and the "it" that I feel that I have, I feel as if it could benefit others who have "it" but never knew how to put it to words before this. There isn't anything written like this that I have ever found. I want to provide this for other people out there who feel similarly.

This is something that has been very prevalent in my life for many years now, and I have never given much thought into what really makes up this "it" that I feel. Diving deep into this topic will allow me to gain a deeper understanding on what "it" consists of.

This is, of course, a welcome distraction from other responsibilities I currently hold. I won't deny that, but I do believe this is a good thing I'm doing, and is something I should have done long ago.


With the reasoning behind me, I feel as if I'm able to move to the next steps. For now I'll just finish my thoughts. Recently I've been trying to figure out a way to express "myself" and the "it" which I contain. I'd like to think I'm a creative person, and I assume thats the route I have to go for expression. I've been making a lot of music lately, which seems like a promising route for expressing "it".

I struggle daily with the fact that humans taste in a topic is always better than what the human can actually create. I like a lot of funny videos and podcasts, but I know that my attempts at those things will be terrible compared to what I like. The fact of the matter is that the only way around this is to just start somewhere and keep going until you improve and find your voice/style. Luckily for me, I began to make silly music before I knew about any of that. I am already developing a style and have seen myself transform and improve throughout the past few years.

I'm not sure if music alone can express "it". I think it can be used to support "it" in many ways, but there isn't enough direct meat to really get it across to others.

I've missed a year! (and update)

Hello! I've just noticed that for the past 7 years, I've fallen back on writing a blog post. Unfortunately, due to some unprecedented circumstances, I've missed the year of 2020. Luckily, nothing really came up that year, really normal, and bland!

Of course, I'm only kidding. What a year 2020 was, for me and for everyone else. I am so so grateful that I have not directly been impacted by COVID-19 in any serious way. My family and friends are healthy, and I have a roof over my head. I was lucky enough to hold onto my job, and only work from home. We plan to go back next month. 

Due to all that went on in 2020, I have become much more attune to myself, and was lucky enough to become aware of some that I was not before! With that came some major mental hardships. I've found myself devoid of any motivation, feeling as if I've just found the key to life, to experiencing many periods of binge eating.

I have so many ideas and stories and things to try out on here due to the past years developments. Up to this point, I've never considered that I could enjoy sharing a lot about what I've been going through. Possibly, if I genuinely wanted to try, I think I could even help others go through the trials and tribulations that young adulthood brings about. I'm sure that could already be a flooded market, but I've yet to see anything going over exactly what I've been through. My parents have also mentioned something similar to that, and you know, I think that there's a chance. Of course, that would take a massive amount of effort and work, which are things I've not done in quite some time. Regardless, I want to begin writing more on here for myself if not to practice writing. 

It has been quite some time since I've last written something that wasn't a work email. I am curious to see if my writing style has changed along with the rest of me! So far, it feels just sort of formal. I've noticed my texts to people and old friends have become more formal, and impersonal.

I guess this post will just stick to covering how I may approach this blog for the time being. I could imagine writing "My Thoughts On" different things I've begun to see differently. This would be terrible for quite a long time, I figure. It may never amass to anything worthy of putting out in the world and hat is okay! I used to think sharing anything about yourself was a selfish behavior, though I quickly learned what my true selfish behaviors were, and writing was not one of them! 

What an exciting time! I look forward to putting some of my thoughts down. I have no clue if they will impress me, or be so obvious and simple. A lot of what I believe now is common sense to most people. I think the way I approached those discoveries is what could be interesting specifically during this time in adulthood. I am in my head often, for better or worse. So far it has been extremely helpful, though very limiting. 

Thinking more about what my target audience could be, I've made an adjustment. I'm an extremely late bloomer when it comes to a lot of core ideas. I was extremely self centered, rude and inconsiderate. I treated the friends I've had in a way I'm not proud of, and  just did not consider others in my own actions. Thank goodness I've grown from that, right? It's a work in progress but I'm confident to say I feel like a good person. Perhaps my writing could be centered around people who really need to get their shit together. 

Perhaps the book title would have the work F*CK in it, as all self help bookings do. I hate that trend. Check my IG story to see all the ones I found at B&N recently.

Lastly, it has been wonderful reading back past posts. It's really interesting and shocking seeing the changes. How funny was I in high school! Man, that is crazy that it was me writing those posts. 

It's getting late, have a good night and we will talk again soon!

Jake

I got the job

i got the job in broomfield after a final video interview. im moving to boulder colorado in the next month lol.

Another Plane

A lot has changed in such a short amount of time. I’m back on a plane haha. Did not see this coming. I don’t understand how everyone on this plane can just continue doing what they’re doing as the plane speeds down the runway and LIFTS OFF THE EARTH. I always play the same song and try to time it with takeoff but it always is early. 

I’m heading to Denver, CO. I’ll be here for like 4ish days. I’ll be in Denver tonight, Boulder until tuesday, and then back to Denver for the flight home on Wednesday. I’m here for an interview I have with a Unique Gifting Experience business called Cloud 9 Living. 

I did a great phone interview and did a great job selling myself and who i am, because I was able to be fully honest. The only issue was that in my cover letter, I was the opposite of honest. I understand this was dumb, but who knows if I would have gotten the call otherwise. I told them I was moving to Boulder and I already planned on it before I applied. This is untrue. The only way I can afford to move out is if I get the job. I managed to tell them my housing fell through and that I’ll still be in town to look at places and interview in person. 

It pays 40k a year with full benefits. It has 15 full time employees and they are all super colorado-esque. Outdoorsy, open minded, cool, and fit. It got ranked as a top 20 best places to work by Outdoor Magazine twice. I’m certain I’d fit in and do well at the job. Just have to nail the first impressions with the team and I think I got the job.

This means I have to promptly find a place to live in Boulder and move out west to my dream town. It all feels not possible and none of it has hit me yet, except a panic attack I had a few nights ago. I want to live in a 5 bedroom house with cool unique outgoing people in order to force me to continue growing as a person.

Anyway, a few hours have passed and I’m tired. almost dozed off. Right now I wanna go to a private bed and sleep in it and just lay out but I have a bed in a hostel and I’m determined to go with it. Even if I don’t meet lots of people, at least I’ll have committed and went through with something that gives me anxiety.

I have about an hour left until landing. Not sure what I want to talk about. I said last post how lots of things changed already since that flight. Something mentally clicked inside of me where I’ve begun the process of maturity. My deep core beliefs have been catching up to my lifestyle and are genuinely changing. 

I’ve had to make some apologies to some people recently because I realize how I’ve acted in the past could have hurt them. I used to be so blunt and blindly focused on forcing people to realize the (what’s to me) obvious truths. I come to realize that that is such a juvenile way of approaching helping people. I needed to realize that the average person is either aware deep down of the truth of their situation and are actively trying to avoid all thoughts about it, or they just aren’t willing/ready to face any of it. By forcing someone to prematurely face these hard truths, it can force them to regress and lose progress they were making. Sometimes it’s best to just get what you can out of your friendship with them, and just be there for them as they come to realize their issues on their own timeline. 

So that was the first large mental shift to occur in the recent weeks. The second is that I always thought I was hardwired to be a negative person, but it doesn’t match the lifestyle I have been living. So I am starting the transition of going from a negative person to a positive one! It’s exciting and I have a long way to go for sure. There was a 15 year old comedian I saw who’s family moved her to LA as a 12 year old to pursue comedy. Her standup act is cringey and bad. I immediately thought “ugh that’s so lame and shes so bad” but then a sneaking rogue thought snuck in and asked “Well shes living an interesting life and trying her best and who knows, she could give up comedy at age 22 and then be a really cool girl who can causally say she did standup for a decade.” then another thought snuck in “Who cares if she ever turns cool or stops being cringey. I will statistically never meet or interact with her, so what is the point of having any sort of negative reaction to her? What good does that do for me?” and that’s what sparked it all. 

Now I’m on the flight home. Interview went well and I’ll know if i got the job at some point this week. Who knows, I could have the offer or non-offer in my inbox just waiting for me to turn off airplane mode. I really loved Boulder. It all was very surreal and made me confident that I want to live there for a portion of my life. Whether it be January 1st or a year from today. Who knows. I journaled this whole trip which has proven enjoyable.  

Wrote on Plane, Already Feels Outdated and I feel Differently but I insist on posting still.

When I was in band freshman year I was nervous. Lots of skilled people above me who were intimidating. I wasn’t aware of the drill for marching and in general clueless as to how high school band operated. 

Flash forward to senior year where I was top trumpet player and had the job of leading the section in marching and practices. I was on top but not scared or intimidated. I would joke around and just mess around in general due to my comfort being there for 4 years.

This was not a great feeling, as one may think. The novelties of band were worn off and nothing scared me. I understood everything “high school band” and had become comfortable within it.

I feel a similar way right now with life in general. In no way am I saying that I understand and am comfortable with what life can be. But recently, with my maturity and growth a lot of things I once held special in my head, have become normal and understood. 

I did not go through much growth socially while I was in college. This has lead to me discovering all these new things straight out of college at a fast pace. For example, the idea of dating a girl and not wanting/expecting a relationship, was something I never experienced. I perhaps knew it was common, though there is a well defined difference between knowing and experiencing.

I still haven’t demystified certain things such as casual sex, as most of my friends have. The idea of becoming so intimate with someone I do not personally know a great amount, seems so scary and exciting. I am not opposed, though not experiencing this type of sex before, has made it feel so hard to ‘make the moves’ as others may easily do. Perhaps I am subconsciously keeping this experience a mystery in order to keep me feeling like there’s more exciting things in my life I’ve yet to explore. Perhaps it’s just me being scared and not able to do it.

I know I have so much more to experience and learn from. I just have taken a moment to step back and realize that I have been experiencing so much positive growth, though along with that growth, I’ve had a layer of demystification occur in my life. Not every person you meet is going to make a mark in your life, or perhaps a person you enjoy being with, just isn’t worth the negatives.

I think a lot of these social learnings have been hard and interesting because before, I knew all these classic beliefs and sayings, though I knew deep down, that if any girl showed interest in dating me than I would forget all the beliefs and just enjoy the love and attention. I did this with Kate, whom I dated for two and a half years. I guess now that I think about it, it really has allowed for me to actively avoid those rash decision makings. 

It’s funny because during such great social growth and maturation, I’ve been struggling to find a job and structure in my life. I guess that makes sense. I’m just excited to work and move to a place I enjoy and continue growing elsewhere.

I’m flying to Las Vegas right now with Danny Irving. I got to switch to an aisle seat since it was a couple. That’s nice. I’m visiting my friend Ross Bolesta who is spending a semester at Flagstaff. I hope I like the Western culture as much as everyone says I will.

I did an internship after I graduated and that schedule along with my summer of growth, allowed for me to lose 40 pounds. That’s pretty damn good in like 2.5 months. Since it’s ended I have maintained same weight but it sucks because I have no structure in my current life.

I’ve gone on dates, bought clothes that express who I am, and have created a good balance with utilizing social media in a positive way. I’ve been able to release another silly music album as well as make some money with the digital sketch pad I got for cheap. I have discovered so many super good comedy groups and people, which has been so rare for the years previous.

I guess this is an update on life for the blog if anyone still somehow sees this. I guess it could be cool to look back and see how I’ve finally matured and became the person I’ve wanted to be for years. It’s fun being an adult and I’m so excited for the years to come. Endless possibilities. Just gotta pay loans. 

Also I am officially determined and passionate about starting my own Salvage Grocery company out west marketed towards young cheap shoppers who want to promote sustainability while also saving money in the bank. Never felt more certain about something for my future before.

Chocolate Covered Pretzels.

I am about to publicize a personal mystery of mine that has been prominent in my life for over two years. It began with a gift that my girlfriend had gotten for Christmas from a friend. It tasted delicious, but something strange caught my eye. Here's the picture I took of it:

Nothing out of the ordinary, right? Let me write down what the name of that fickle pretzel rod is: Milk Chocolate Covered Peanut Butter Pretzel Rods. Think about that for a second. They are saying that they are selling you a chocolate covered peanut butter, pretzel rod. Now that is odd, but it could just be a design fluke. Or maybe it allows them to put the emphasis on the Peanut Butter aspect of this tasty treat.

A few weeks pass and I'm at the grocery store and see a bucket of the delectable sweet and salty snacks. This time it's made by Herr's:

That's right, Herr's Milk Chocolate Flavored Sourdough Coated Pretzels. Do I need to repeat that again? Milk Chocolate Flavored, Sourdough, Coated Pretzels. What the hell does that mean? Any way you chose to clump those words together, it makes zero sense. Milk chocolate flavored Sourdough? That's an interesting choice. Sourdough coated pretzels? I'm pretty sure that's not even physically possible. 

By this point I was starting to actively search for other chocolate covered pretzels. Then, I came across Snyder's version:

That's cool that Hershey's teamed up with them, but clearly they were unable to prevent Snyder's from making the same weird faux pas as other pretzel brands are making. "Pretzel Dips Dipped in Hershey's White Crème". Two things stick out: They are calling mini pretzels, Pretzel Dips, and the fact that there is no mention of the word chocolate to be found. It's not as if we all casually refer to Hershey's white chocolate bars as "White Crème Bars". 

This was the moment I started to believe that there's something going on in the pretzel world that everyone around me is oblivious to. I took to social media to ask around if anyone else has noticed this strange quirk, but no one answered me. Weeks later I slowly began getting snapchats and Instagram DM's from people I haven't talked to in years. The theme was common... pictures they have taken of various chocolate covered pretzels with weird labels calling them even weirder things.

I'm going to save some time here and just attach a bunch more of the brands for you to see that I'm not lying.

My personal favorite from these bunch are Utz's "Chocolate Flavored Specials Bite Size Pretzels". It makes my head hurt when I try to figure out how they meant for that to be read. How could such large brands just allow for such messy items to be sold under their names?

I believed it had to do with a trademark/patent/copyright. It would make sense right? Some large greedy brand bought the rights to the words "Chocolate Covered/Coated Pretzels", and now everyone else is trying to avoid being sued out of all their money. The problem with this theory is the fact that there are multiple pretzel companies that use those exact words. Here are a few of em:

To be honest, I have no idea why brands are doing this. What really confuses me is that Herr's has one chocolate coated pretzel titled just that, while another one of their items are confusing and avoiding those buzzwords. Your guess is as good as mine.