A Tale!

Felt called to write my way out of my latest state, so here I am! The initial aim being to draw me back to God. The updated aim, I'm not so sure of. For as soon as I sat down, I saw that my faith has only shape-shifted, not disappeared completely. I see clearly that we do not prosper consistently. Rather, we dip our toes in when the water is just right. 

So easy is it to get wrapped up into "Jacob", or "Jake". His struggles and thoughts and victories stick to everything it touches, coating the holiness inside with a personal layer of goo. Often unshakeable for days at a time.

We are all tragic creatures. The further you dig, the more dirt is revealed. And with that thought, a fear boils up from within "Jacob". Fear for all he has cursedly done during his time on Earth. It envelopes him and prevents him from what he believes as "presenting his best self in that very moment". He begins questioning and experimenting. Can he live truthfully in the moment, so he need not think about the fear bubbling about deep within his gut? 

It works for a day or two. Though quickly, his life becomes severely compromised in this attempt of living off of the momentary worldly beauties. He begins losing focus at work, saying things he quickly regrets to the ones he loves, and each falter chips away at his belief that the answer is found in the focusing of the physical world and the physical self.

He loses his sense of personal agency. Feeling as if he himself is getting in the way of doing God's work. Blaming himself harshly. Blaming his living situation. Blaming his parents. Blaming his friends. Blaming the world! Lost, stuck in a state of discontent, he feels tortured, knowing a better life could be had somehow. His room becomes a mess, he lashes out, lost. 

And this is the state he remained for many a days. And still, God never left his side. He simply revealed himself carefully so as to not shake things to their core. In one lovely moment, Jacob finds himself standing on the corner of Vine and N 3rd Street holding a sign that says "You Got This!" God works in funny ways. He is there. 

As he's writing the very line you read above, he gets called down from his Mom telling him that there's chili upstairs if he want any. He responds curtly and says he's in "writing mode". He quickly attempts to lighten his words, but knows he's too late. He's already responded in a way he'd have preferred not to. He sits frustrated, feeling as if what he's written has suddenly become invalid. But still, he continues writing...

And for that, he is rewarded with the Holy Spirit whispering, "hey man. it's fucking tough... all that you're going through. why are you being so hard on yourself?". 

I'm grateful. My toes are in the water.