Saturday, June 26, 2021

Periods of off and on / Panic Attack

 I get stuck quite often. I'll be doing great, and then I just shut down. I forget about what matters to me, eat like shit, and get high more often. I think this is the first time I'm admitting to smoking pot online. It feels wrong but I don't think anyone will see this! 


It's funny. As I've never written down or addressed the new hobby I've picked up. I feel like it's so foreign, and I'm questioning whether I should have ever gotten into it. It feels embarrassing to discuss this, much to my surprise. I've begun using weed as a way to "give up" on the day. Once I decide that I don't care to do anything after work, my immediate response is to take a hit and see where the night leads. 


Sometimes it leads me to my couch, other times Dominos. Often times Dominos. I've found great joy in being high, and at the right times,  it helps me connect some mental pieces. 


Few Days Later


I am currently experiencing a panic attack. I've gotten much better at recognizing the feeling it brings with it. Often times I feel unable to focus and experience shortness of breath. Then I go into a state of watching youtube videos to avoid things. Deep breathing has helped greatly, though this time it's more of a temporary relief. As is writing this paragraph. 


Whenever I acknowledge a panic attack, it subsides. At least to a certain degree. The first few times I was so relieved that I knew I wasn't dying, that they ended in a large release of pent up emotions. They are happening more often, and I've never experienced it prior to moving to Boulder. I don't want to jinx anything, but I feel a lot better since I began writing. 


I have massive weekend stress - I think that's what caused this one. I feel obligated to always be doing something on the weekends. 


I'm coming down. This one was a much less intense attack than I've previously had. It is a massive phyiscal and mental relief. It's like both my brain and muscles were tense and couldn't relax. 

Monday, June 7, 2021

Written in 2017. Oof!

I want to be able to express myself.

First I should figure out why I want to do so.

I believe there are lots of people that don't have "it". The thing that me and only a few other people I know have. The majority of people I used to interact with seemed to be extras in a movie. Surface level personality with clear motives which lead them through their lives. Recently I have met others who seem to have full and deep personalities with interesting morals and traits. Unfortunately, both these types of people don't have "it".

I want other people who have "it" to see myself and feel a connection and an urge to meet. This is a selfish reason as I always have the best times and conversations with people who also share "it" with me. It's a great dream to imagine having people around me who all share "it". This can lead to many good things for my life personally.

If I could express myself and the "it" that I feel that I have, I feel as if it could benefit others who have "it" but never knew how to put it to words before this. There isn't anything written like this that I have ever found. I want to provide this for other people out there who feel similarly.

This is something that has been very prevalent in my life for many years now, and I have never given much thought into what really makes up this "it" that I feel. Diving deep into this topic will allow me to gain a deeper understanding on what "it" consists of.

This is, of course, a welcome distraction from other responsibilities I currently hold. I won't deny that, but I do believe this is a good thing I'm doing, and is something I should have done long ago.


With the reasoning behind me, I feel as if I'm able to move to the next steps. For now I'll just finish my thoughts. Recently I've been trying to figure out a way to express "myself" and the "it" which I contain. I'd like to think I'm a creative person, and I assume thats the route I have to go for expression. I've been making a lot of music lately, which seems like a promising route for expressing "it".

I struggle daily with the fact that humans taste in a topic is always better than what the human can actually create. I like a lot of funny videos and podcasts, but I know that my attempts at those things will be terrible compared to what I like. The fact of the matter is that the only way around this is to just start somewhere and keep going until you improve and find your voice/style. Luckily for me, I began to make silly music before I knew about any of that. I am already developing a style and have seen myself transform and improve throughout the past few years.

I'm not sure if music alone can express "it". I think it can be used to support "it" in many ways, but there isn't enough direct meat to really get it across to others.




I've missed a year! (and update)

Hello! I've just noticed that for the past 7 years, I've fallen back on writing a blog post. Unfortunately, due to some unprecedented circumstances, I've missed the year of 2020. Luckily, nothing really came up that year, really normal, and bland!


Of course, I'm only kidding. What a year 2020 was, for me and for everyone else. I am so so grateful that I have not directly been impacted by COVID-19 in any serious way. My family and friends are healthy, and I have a roof over my head. I was lucky enough to hold onto my job, and only work from home. We plan to go back next month. 


Due to all that went on in 2020, I have become much more attune to myself, and was lucky enough to become aware of some that I was not before! With that came some major mental hardships. I've found myself devoid of any motivation, feeling as if I've just found the key to life, to experiencing many periods of binge eating.


I have so many ideas and stories and things to try out on here due to the past years developments. Up to this point, I've never considered that I could enjoy sharing a lot about what I've been going through. Possibly, if I genuinely wanted to try, I think I could even help others go through the trials and tribulations that young adulthood brings about. I'm sure that could already be a flooded market, but I've yet to see anything going over exactly what I've been through. My parents have also mentioned something similar to that, and you know, I think that there's a chance. Of course, that would take a massive amount of effort and work, which are things I've not done in quite some time. Regardless, I want to begin writing more on here for myself if not to practice writing. 


It has been quite some time since I've last written something that wasn't a work email. I am curious to see if my writing style has changed along with the rest of me! So far, it feels just sort of formal. I've noticed my texts to people and old friends have become more formal, and impersonal.


I guess this post will just stick to covering how I may approach this blog for the time being. I could imagine writing "My Thoughts On" different things I've begun to see differently. This would be terrible for quite a long time, I figure. It may never amass to anything worthy of putting out in the world and hat is okay! I used to think sharing anything about yourself was a selfish behavior, though I quickly learned what my true selfish behaviors were, and writing was not one of them! 


What an exciting time! I look forward to putting some of my thoughts down. I have no clue if they will impress me, or be so obvious and simple. A lot of what I believe now is common sense to most people. I think the way I approached those discoveries is what could be interesting specifically during this time in adulthood. I am in my head often, for better or worse. So far it has been extremely helpful, though very limiting. 


Thinking more about what my target audience could be, I've made an adjustment. I'm an extremely late bloomer when it comes to a lot of core ideas. I was extremely self centered, rude and inconsiderate. I treated the friends I've had in a way I'm not proud of, and  just did not consider others in my own actions. Thank goodness I've grown from that, right? It's a work in progress but I'm confident to say I feel like a good person. Perhaps my writing could be centered around people who really need to get their shit together. 


Perhaps the book title would have the work F*CK in it, as all self help bookings do. I hate that trend. Check my IG story to see all the ones I found at B&N recently.


Lastly, it has been wonderful reading back past posts. It's really interesting and shocking seeing the changes. How funny was I in high school! Man, that is crazy that it was me writing those posts. 


It's getting late, have a good night and we will talk again soon!

Jake