I get stuck quite often. I'll be doing great, and then I just shut down. I forget about what matters to me, eat like shit, and get high more often. I think this is the first time I'm admitting to smoking pot online. It feels wrong but I don't think anyone will see this!
It's funny. As I've never written down or addressed the new hobby I've picked up. I feel like it's so foreign, and I'm questioning whether I should have ever gotten into it. It feels embarrassing to discuss this, much to my surprise. I've begun using weed as a way to "give up" on the day. Once I decide that I don't care to do anything after work, my immediate response is to take a hit and see where the night leads.
Sometimes it leads me to my couch, other times Dominos. Often times Dominos. I've found great joy in being high, and at the right times, it helps me connect some mental pieces.
Few Days Later
I am currently experiencing a panic attack. I've gotten much better at recognizing the feeling it brings with it. Often times I feel unable to focus and experience shortness of breath. Then I go into a state of watching youtube videos to avoid things. Deep breathing has helped greatly, though this time it's more of a temporary relief. As is writing this paragraph.
Whenever I acknowledge a panic attack, it subsides. At least to a certain degree. The first few times I was so relieved that I knew I wasn't dying, that they ended in a large release of pent up emotions. They are happening more often, and I've never experienced it prior to moving to Boulder. I don't want to jinx anything, but I feel a lot better since I began writing.
I have massive weekend stress - I think that's what caused this one. I feel obligated to always be doing something on the weekends.
I'm coming down. This one was a much less intense attack than I've previously had. It is a massive phyiscal and mental relief. It's like both my brain and muscles were tense and couldn't relax.
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