Hey, sooo... I am actively searching for a job in public media out on the East Coast. The plan is to live back with my parents as I save some money and commute to work. Something was nagging at me today. Sorta like the Sunday Scary's, but not about work. Okay, yes about work, but also about my lifestyle in general. My life will soon be changing quite drastically for the first time in two years. I've been sort of driving forward with my head down, working hard to get a job and initiate the process.
"Things always seem to fade away. Leaving the truth standing there ahead of you. Often too daunting to face. You turn away, back to your old ways. Back to that false sense of security and comfort you've worked so hard to build. Only when the time is right, a seed is planted that can break through and face the truth head on. This is when real change occurs. Whether that seed comes as a tragic event, a shock to the system, a breakup, a divorce, an ending or a beginning, it is all the same. What matters is it allows us to face what we so earnestly need.
The truth can be quite blinding. But then, a path appears. It is faint, and often unclear. There's certainly no telling where it leads. Suddenly, you have purpose. A path... something to follow. And we take our first steps. Oh, the joy! How freeing it can be."
This was my attempt at explaining how I feel. Granted, this is what I'm telling myself. I suspect there will be many times where I have to face hardships that leave me questioning it all. Why do I write like this? So formal. Yet awkward. A lack of vocabulary and substance to back up the wording of my many sentences. It is how I naturally write. I think I am a bit quirky. I need not be so hard on myself. I feel I am at my best when I am being true to myself, judgment free. And, to be honest, I'm quite excited about who I am. Not who I will be, but who I am now! I can be funny, likable, gentle, strong, passionate, enthused, loving, and genuine. What a hack genuineness is! People don't expect it. It's done me well up to this point, though it has placed me in a few tough places. That's to be expected. I'm learning, constantly ironing things out. I suspect I always will be! I'm grateful to have not closed myself off to the world.
My parents always told me I was good at writing. I believed it, but at the same time did not at all. Then, I began to shine in my job for my writing abilities. Granted, they were emails to customers that were all too often upset or irate, not novella's or poems. But is that what I would like to write? Ahah! I've jumped right over the important question. I did not ask "do I want to write", rather I asked "what do I want to write". Implying I do want to write. While I suppose I answered that question quite a long time ago, only just recently have I been able to see the answer myself. That's exciting! I wonder what quality of writing I can produce. You'd have to think it'd be quite rough, being I have such little experience. But that is how every good thing begins. I'm thinking more recently that I'd like to get into making short films again. Something tells me that I am capable of creating something noteworthy. I'd be a fool not to try.
One last thing I would like to note. I've had a few dreams recently where the focus is me courting someone I find beautiful, inside and out. The awkward stage of feeling things out, knowing glances, a touch of hands. Both desperately wanting to meet and express their true love to each other. It's a feeling I haven't felt since grade school. There's something so alluring and pure to it. Something that perhaps doesn't make sense. Nothing is that simple in the real world. It's only something you can have in the movies or through the ignorance of youth. That's what I logically conclude... but admittedly I feel there's a chance of it still occurring. This seems like something a young adult would yearn for and get themselves in trouble during the process of trying to find it. Anyway, I'm still going to explore it haha!
That feeling must be quite common, as I've felt it on and off throughout my entire life. As a matter of fact, back in an old post on this very blog I wrote about that yearning. Specifically a memory from my time in a hospital waiting room. It could be interesting to attempt to showcase this specific set of emotions through film, or writing. Present an age old idea to people in a way they can digest it. We can enjoy it together. We'll see! For now, let's just try to get through this big move best I can. I have a feeling my creative endeavors will be my saving grace during the lower times of my life.
Alright! Finished a full blog. Look at me go! You know, I always secretly wished Mrs. Burnett, my AP English teacher who was responsible for assigning this blog, would come back and read my entries. I used to write these daring, out there (for the time) blog posts for her to read, only for me not to speak up in class. She encouraged me to participate more and share my thoughts. I so badly wanted to do so. We had these round table discussions and everyone would be saying an idea I wholeheartedly disagreed on. I was the type of guy to love Ayn Rand. So yes, a lot of my views may have been cringey looking back, but that's not really the point! Later on, I recall she mentioned enjoying my posts even after the project was complete. I still struggle to speak up. Sometimes. Maybe I will share my piece on the truth somewhere more public.
Talk soon!
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