Believe it or Not...

It's been a little over a year since my last entry on this blog. If you could only see the amount of drafts I've made on this account...I was going through a tough time where a lot was put onto me by both myself, my life, my family, my career, etc. I don't blame myself for struggling to find peace within that time.

I've begun the process of coming back to peace again. I see the necessity for it. It is not some "solve all" thing as it is often presented as. It is a privilege. To have peace in your day to day life. I have held that belief for quite some time now. With that said, it is a privilege we all can access at any time. Something given by God. And it makes things easier during our time on Earth.

Now, my mind is still all tangled up in a mess of various conflicting thoughts/feelings/values, but I can see clearly now more than ever that it is important to take care of your mental health. You can have the greatest of intentions with a fire burning in your heart but still manage to not achieve the things you so desperately want to achieve. You can also harm yourself quite significantly in the physical world. I've gained weight, I'm eating processed foods, I'm spending all this wonderful free time just searching for a way to not feel so damn lost! 

I had this quote I liked. "You had your life experience, it's time to start living." It was what got me to make the move back East and closer to family. It's what allowed me to branch out socially and begin to be more outgoing and take things into my own hands. But, it also granted me permission to not give a shit about all my healthy mental habits I had built up. So when the move came and a new career began and new views swarmed in, I left my mental health to rot up and fall to pieces. 

I am now living in West Chester, PA and it is quite the beautiful town. I love taking in all its beauty. I also feel comfortable to play in the town. I've already met over a dozen people which has been such an exhilarating thing for me. With that said, after any new social interaction, I have been going straight to unhealthy foods, wasting time on my phone, and eventually stressing myself out thinking how I'm not in the right mindset to see them again. It has been exhausting, really. And then I think how I haven't been actively uncomfortable in fun ways. So I feel like I haven't accomplished shit. 

I pride myself in having built up relationships with all my family members during this stressful time of change. I think I'm going to be making a flyer to hang in Turks Head Cafe that advertises myself and my interests in hopes of meeting people who share such things. I am a little worried that in doing such a thing, I will be left to fight back for my mental health. It has become habit to think in negative cyclical patterns at this point. Baby steps. 

Oh also. SHOCKER. I've been wanting a relationship. I know that's the single more common way to never get into a relationship. I don't like the dating apps. I also feel as if I still need to work on my mental health and building my community before finding someone. I haven't been daydreaming over the past many months. Daydreaming is what got me here, and I love when I have the mental freedom to do so. 

This feels more like a classic entry on this blog. I'm glad. I've been going through the wringer recently. I'm happy I can feel more stable and certain in things. 

A Tale!

Felt called to write my way out of my latest state, so here I am! The initial aim being to draw me back to God. The updated aim, I'm not so sure of. For as soon as I sat down, I saw that my faith has only shape-shifted, not disappeared completely. I see clearly that we do not prosper consistently. Rather, we dip our toes in when the water is just right. 

So easy is it to get wrapped up into "Jacob", or "Jake". His struggles and thoughts and victories stick to everything it touches, coating the holiness inside with a personal layer of goo. Often unshakeable for days at a time.

We are all tragic creatures. The further you dig, the more dirt is revealed. And with that thought, a fear boils up from within "Jacob". Fear for all he has cursedly done during his time on Earth. It envelopes him and prevents him from what he believes as "presenting his best self in that very moment". He begins questioning and experimenting. Can he live truthfully in the moment, so he need not think about the fear bubbling about deep within his gut? 

It works for a day or two. Though quickly, his life becomes severely compromised in this attempt of living off of the momentary worldly beauties. He begins losing focus at work, saying things he quickly regrets to the ones he loves, and each falter chips away at his belief that the answer is found in the focusing of the physical world and the physical self.

He loses his sense of personal agency. Feeling as if he himself is getting in the way of doing God's work. Blaming himself harshly. Blaming his living situation. Blaming his parents. Blaming his friends. Blaming the world! Lost, stuck in a state of discontent, he feels tortured, knowing a better life could be had somehow. His room becomes a mess, he lashes out, lost. 

And this is the state he remained for many a days. And still, God never left his side. He simply revealed himself carefully so as to not shake things to their core. In one lovely moment, Jacob finds himself standing on the corner of Vine and N 3rd Street holding a sign that says "You Got This!" God works in funny ways. He is there. 

As he's writing the very line you read above, he gets called down from his Mom telling him that there's chili upstairs if he want any. He responds curtly and says he's in "writing mode". He quickly attempts to lighten his words, but knows he's too late. He's already responded in a way he'd have preferred not to. He sits frustrated, feeling as if what he's written has suddenly become invalid. But still, he continues writing...

And for that, he is rewarded with the Holy Spirit whispering, "hey man. it's fucking tough... all that you're going through. why are you being so hard on yourself?". 

I'm grateful. My toes are in the water.

We are all wrong! And Pat Finnerty! And quitting improv! And two new ideas!

2/19/23 seemingly have ceased to dwell so heavily in the physical world. Like I am sorta done figuring things out in the way I once was. Guess when you hit 25 you do hit a maturation point. Not to say that I’m done struggling! I just know it is a part of life and no matter what, hardships will occur. I also am smart enough to know that what I’m saying is probably just more bullshit. I’ve been on a hunt for the truth but recently I seemingly hit a new hole. I think now it’s best to just be happy with where I’m at and go with whatever. do whatever I feel like doing and just go with it man. 

8/18/22 i am just so grateful to have a roof over my head, food to eat, and clothes to wear. I’m extremely privileged. Having grown up comfortable, and continuing that through early adulthood. But I must take the reigns. I don’t want to lose the privilege. I must rather take complete advantage of it in helping others. 

Question: Humans are always wrong. I’m convinced of it! We are always bound to be doing good and bad things. All of us are imperfect and we are fed to think that perfection is possible.  What kinda shit is that?

Answer: Play around with the idea that you are never going to be perfect. See how it fits you. We all will hurt people, will learn, will grow, will love, and will fall to pieces. you can journey out in life as much as you choose.

I love Pat Finnerty on YouTube because he inspires me. He is a true artist that has the confidence to embark on his journey and create accordingly. He’s awkward at times, uncomfortable, casual, kind, funny, confident, and so quirky. 

It’s so sweet that his girlfriend, Kim, supports him and his quirks and she even made him a Pedal-mobile cake which I’m sure was so fun for her, and such a thoughtful gift. It gives me hope that I can be fully myself and be loved for it. And he is having monumental success on YouTube already because of who he is. He’s being himself.

I want to interview him! 

How does a typical video get made? I get a sense that you may have some rough starting plan, and then just develop things from there in the moment?

Do you think being a gigging musician prepared you for fast success with YouTube? 

It’s interesting, you’ve already established yourself in the music youtube niche, but you’re quite different from the rest in your style of creation. Do you plan to develop yourself further into that scene, or maybe rather explore outwards? How do you see the future of your channel going? I find it extremely open and exciting.

Are you as passionate about music as you seem to be? Are there any other topics you’ve considered diving into? 

Can you tell us any hints about your next big video? I understand it has involved quite the bit of fan involvement during your supporting act of Strand of Oaks.

Succeeding at this TJ’s position is an extremely feasible goal in which I should have the utmost confidence in doing. That confidence in myself is what’s allowing me this opportunity. I am very grateful to have this opportunity.

Same goes for Improv. I’m pushing myself to get out of my comfort zone. It’s a balancing act. If I get too content with things, it becomes much harder to push myself to do Improv. But it can tip too far the opposite, resulting in me feeling unhappy, stressed, and lost. 

What I know is I felt horrible for skipping last week. 

Anywho, I ended up going, feeling uncomfortable, but not in a good way as I had prior classes, stuck around despite that, then went up on stage and bombed. I waited till our break, then booked it out of there. I decided I wouldn’t allow myself to feel guilty. And that is the end of that! (For now). Maybe I’ll get back into it later in life. 

Back again, guess who’s back, back again! Yo! I want to make Forgotify 2022 edition. Can I learn to do that, you think? I SHOULD MESSAGE ALEX COLEMAN! See if he’s interested or has any recommendations. I need to learn the basics first. So we could discuss things properly.

I need to F12 the page and try to read the code to see how they did it back in 2013. That’s my first step. Also to check out all that the Spotify API shares with the public for apps.

Second idea which actually came first in thought is talking to people smarter than me to learn about sociology and anthropology and people who study society and it’s negatives and positives. I would love to talk to some smart people about it because I have lots of questions I’d like to get answers to! It’s a really interesting topic. This’ll be my first time seeking to learn for the love of learning. I think I may thrive in it, but we’ll see! Gotta start somewhere. First steps would be to email questions to sociology departments to see if anyone would be willing to have a chat with me.

Will report back with updates tomorrow! 

It’s tomorrow. I’m on my lunch break at work. I’m trying desperately to fix my ears so I can hear fully and talk in a relaxed way again. I fucking hate autophony shit from Tepezza. I just want to chill. 

Day #3 complete. Was a good day. Wanting to incorporate more routine now as I have a rough schedule. Tomorrow I must make my bed, pick up the stuff on the floor, deposit my check, organize shelf, try to find a pride/rainbow shirt and buy pants/shorts at arc thrift, play basketball, cold shower, go to work. 

Sunday I will take the last of my ae-1 pics, and buy film at Mike’s Camera Store then go to work. Get off at 8 PM and see if I can do something fun. 

Monday, I’ll be off to Denver to drop off my film, then proceed to take photos at the D.A.M, and tbd other Denver activities before I pick up the film around 4:00PM then immediately home to view and post and all the fun film stuff. Maybe I could make a YT video? I’ll brainstorm at work the next two days. Tuesday I plan to spend much time in nature and possibly paint some. Next week I’ll need to put attention into getting the Vitamin Street Art Collective website up. 

I’ve been a sheep of society for the majority of my life. Unknowingly, of course. I don’t like that people hate on the “sheeple” because they don’t even know what’s going on. They’re lost, confused, and latching onto what is easily available. 

That being said, I’m grateful to have begun seeing society for what it is. I want to educate myself on the topic. I’m listening to Tyler the Creator’s Flower Boy album, thinking back to when I first listened to it in 2017. It’s not nearly as good or groundbreaking as I once thought. Or perhaps it is, idk. Tyler is confident in his ability to create things he enjoys. His name is literally “the creator” haha. He never once claims he’s making something worthy of the highest praise. He can only make what feels right. I’m struggling to break out of this barrier I put up for myself and creation. I keep coming back to this realization through Kanye, Kendrick, Peter Draws, and so many other artists. They all just DO. 

Anyways, knowing that I am in a society allows me to remove myself from some of the blatantly unhealthy things society takes part in. Eating fast food and processed shit, that’s fucking gross! And eating healthy makes you feel happy. I’m not digesting any news.

In boredom, Tyler asks “can yall help me real quick” and then everyone sings along. How corny and innocent haha. I like it just as much, but I bet Tyler looks back and thinks how much he’s grown. Life is about having a growth mentality. 

For years I would look deep within myself to hopefully unveil how I could be perfect. I feel I’ve mastered introspection. How could I not? I’ve spent far more than 10,000 hours in my own head. I’m a certified master. Many of us are. But what is introspection if it is not guided? I challenge you to ask yourself why you are often lead to introspection. 

Personally, I came to realize I was searching for perfection. And once I was perfect, only then could I begin experiencing life for all it is. As you can see, this is severely limiting and unhealthy.

Following this discovery, I was forced to face the fact that this, right now, is all life will ever be. Armed with this new concept, and a fresh lick of fear, I booked a solo trip to Miami Beach to “have fun”.

The Miami trip was an amalgamation of all that I was doing wrong at that time. It was extremely expensive, last minute, and done in a tizzy. There are a few blog entries during this time where I express how I was feeling genuinely crazy. It was a wild time, but a voice in my head told me it’s what I needed to do. Follow that voice. 

I was then thrown into the most discomfort I’ve felt in years. Lost on the streets of Miami Beach. So much traffic, no stores, screeching birds, and it was all horrifying. I wanted to cry. I did cry. It was lonely, sad, and extremely depressing of a time. I do not envy my past self for that. 

With that, there were some small seeds planted during that trip. Like the fact that I spoke to Karry, who is going through his own shit. We were able to just talk for a bit and pretend as if we both weren’t extremely depressed. We’ll always have that connection and I’m certain we will both blossom. 

I also was able to stay the whole time in Miami and even though I wanted to call my Mom and cry to her, I didn’t. I dealt with that shit all on my own. I put myself into that situation and felt it was my cross to bear. Major props to me for that. 

The final day, I told my parents and that’s when I began to collapse. I began to realize how much of a disappointment I’d become. A disappointment to myself! I was ashamed, confused, and extremely fearful. I felt depressed. Deeper than I hope to ever feel again. Laying on that airport carpet. Feeling everything changing within. 

On the plane, I wrote a letter to my inner child. It’s what saved me. That began my healing process. I’m still healing, as I think we all are. 

Since then I’ve gone out of my comfort zone, quit my shit job, got a fun job, found my passion for making art, gotten closer to my family, lost more weight, and replaced unhealthy comforts with more positive ones. I was known for being negative all my goddam life. Fuck that shit!!!!!

I now spend a lot of time watching TED talks and listening to music that inspires me. I need constant reminders of where I am at. You are what you do. The moment is all that matters. I am working on many projects and ideas but they take time and they won’t be what fuels me all the time. Society stuff has helped. Like I won’t be eating processed foods from now on. And once I get a budget setup, I plan to get a gym membership. So just a matter of filling my time up with productive things. It’s no fun when you’re not working towards things, relaxing for the sake of relaxing is dead to me. I simply can’t enjoy it. 

More thoughts on Tyler and artists. It’s awesome, they have these lines that may go towards the story of the album, but also can be interpreted in completely other, often more personal ways. Art is all about interpretation. I want to talk this someone about this that’d care. 😢 that’s so sad. I talked to Ryan about my journey to peace and I felt like I was really sharing some deep shit and he was able to listen and ask interesting questions that lead to further exploration. Of course! Another way that relationships are the most important part of life. Allow you to grow in ways you couldn’t on your own. I hope to be that for others. Maybe I already have been, with my parents. God I love them! There’s a girl at work, Dani…

She seemed like the popular girl of the team that I wouldn’t end up getting close to. But of course, she is popular because she’s got an inner peace and calmness that anyone would envy and love to be around. And she seems so open to every soul. I want to be her friend. My journal has no pages left. Or practically so. That’s why I’m journaling here I suppose. I think I may make this all public. The whole thing. Art, you know? We’re all good here. 

I’m going to talk to her at work next time I see her. About art and interpretation. I found her IG, she has a lot of art and what seems like poetry. I can’t look further, I won’t. But I gotta try my best to become a friend of hers. Man, I’m so stoked. Honestly, I think I could see myself becoming good friends with multiple people at work. Hell yeah! And I’m getting my slides printed tomorrow…. Like that is fucking sick!! So stoked to see how it turns out. 

This is really interesting to read over. It has such an innocence, right? I’m so happy to be living a life true to myself no matter how that makes me seem.

The great RESET. I can’t figure out my spacing below so I’m writing above now. This is a moment remembered in history. The history of this blog post, that is. Shit, okay so a lot is going on but I don’t care to write it down because it doesn’t help at all. 

9/6/22 - I’m falling apart it feels. I put in my 30 days notice for rent and then my dad got fired from his job. I haven’t figured out how a transfer works at TJ’s, and I can’t stop thinking about Gray from work. I’m lonely when I think about it. I have my interview with Barclays in two hours. Haven’t talked to anyone about it besides my therapist who I went back to yesterday. I need a breakdown. I need to cry. I feel alone. And when I think to the future it’s hard from my current perspective to see it in a positive light. I just want my mojo back. I can’t so poorly on this interview. I haven’t slept well in a week. And I’m barely eating. 

If you’re not in a good state to face life, it becomes extremely daunting and scary. Knowing the realities I know. I feel terrible. I’m being hard on myself maybe. It always comes down to that. Always. And every time I get to a good place about making a plan, a huge roadblock appears. It’s Gray. What if they say they still want to hang out. I can only think to later today when I get the chance to see them. And that’s preventing me from getting the ball rolling with things. 

Shiiiit. I’m only as good as I am in the present moment. My mind was hyper focused on analyzing everything in its battle with becoming unique. That struggle is TERRIBLE. THERE’S NO BIGGER LIE THAN THE NEED TO ACT DIFFERENTLY TO BE SPECIAL AND UNIQUE. ITS MADE ME BLIND TO LIFE AS IT REALLY IS. I’m a healthy 4 now. Relatively so. I’ve been dealing with the task of putting myself out there day to day with my new job. It’s a challenge at times, but one that is all too necessary. Happy to go through it! I have complete faith I will get through. So I’m acting in new interesting ways but I just don’t think it’s necessary to always be trying to figure things out. I will never fully figure myself out, and that’s the beauty of humanity. What makes us all one. I’m building confidence. There’s so many things I can write but must I? No!

June 22nd now… think I decided I need to move back home in the next month or two. Giving myself a week to think it over before mentioning it to my parents or friends. I’ve been feeling down thinking how I’m so much less cool than anyone I’ve met at TJ’s. And seeing these instagrams that are so legit and have been creating stuff for years. 

My Instagram is awkward, not aesthetically pleasing, and scarce. But I realize now that it’s not bad. And that I shouldn’t feel bad that I’ve not made as much as others. I’m living my life in one way, and that’s my way. I trust that if I continue working on my craft and artistic visions, I can be successful. I think that may be the first time openly admitting both to myself and to everyone that I would like people to like my art. I would like that very much. But also that’s really not why I’d create. It’s just something that’d come along with friends. I expressed to Gray today that I don’t have friends. Haha actually, the second time I did, I realized it wasn’t necessary and sorta odd to mention. Makes sense, because friends have been on the mind.. thats funny. The good ones will see easily through any little quirks I have. As I would to others. 

Today I realized I need to keep going and pursuing my goals because I’ll never get this time back. Excited to make the move. In all ways it feels like a failure, except for the truth. I know it’s just another chapter of my life, but really I should be so grateful because I now have the ability to look beyond myself and see things clearly and with compassion. That’s massive. And that’s what allowed me to start taking these steps. I want to be a teacher. Thats the larger goal that I’d like to work towards and base my actions on. All the while I will be making music and art stuff. I can work at home and save money and try to get into grad school or figure that out. Just steps that are rough but needed. If anything changes, I trust I’ll be able to welcome it with open arms. I think there’s two meters. One is your peace meter. The other is life meter. Peace meter can be high no matter where you’re at in life. So long as you connect with the present moment, your peace meter will stay roughly in the same olace. 

Guess who is back, back again? Me! It’s July 6th. Here to share that I’m still progressing and building up a better self image. I’ve quit marijuana, and I think alcohol too? I want to thrive sober, in my own body, on my own accord. I’ve begun running again and about to hit under 200lbs for the first time since 8th grade. I recovered from covid, am enjoying my time at work, and am determined to pursue becoming a teacher. Follow in my Mom and Uncle and Grandfathers steps. I’m attempting to spend my time in a way that I find respectable. I have a quirky work around for it during crunch times but idk if I want to make that public to the world. Wimbledon has been great and I’m still watching TED Talks on the daily. I’m trying to become more picky with whom I spend my time with, because I know how important it is. Even some people at work are negative in that classic early 20s way that’s so popular. And no wonder, there’s so much negativity in the world. But it doesn’t make me want to be around it any less. 

July 31st, now. Have to share that Minya from work said she knows I don’t give a shit. Don’t give a shit about anything. I need to ask her what she meant. I took it as she knows I won’t be at TJ’s for long because I’m worth more than it and that I know it. But funny thing is, I only am just realizing that now, after she said it. That’s why I must ask and be open to what she says.

Oh, and I know how cringey my life is/can get to be. I feel ashamed to work at Trader Joe’s. That’s why I feel off every day that I work. It doesn’t allow me to be my best self. I’m a “thinker”. Won’t someone who is a thinker on the growth mindset always be embarrassed or feel panicked when they see their life from a more educated perspective? That’s what’s been going on with me. 

It’s a good life lesson to learn to keep those who see you, close by. They can help nudge you along, and, most importantly, be there for you when you see things yourself. 

I have to say, on my days off, I am great. On my work days, I am filled with shame. A shame that doesn’t allow me to calm the mind to a state of peace. A kind angel on earth encouraged me in my idea of becoming a teacher when I most needed it. I look forward to tomorrow on my day off.

During previous entries on here I would read over my words and think how childish they are. But they are pure and I am proud of them. I am proud of myself. And plus, Kanye says the best artists are the ones closest to their 4 year old selves. True to you. Embrace who I am. Oh joy, I am just so happy! Happy more and more often. I got it! This whole mess of a post is me coming of age in my own way. Coming to be my own. Unlocking my true self after years of it being locked down. Embracing it, loving it, and enjoying the journey. Right? 

Howdy friend. It’s now July 13th and I’m getting my Tepezza infusion. I’ve been hyperaware of when my confidence waivers. And it is quite often. I’m not sure what the solution is. Do I want to continue being aware? I suspect I’ll figure out a more simple way to have it occur less and less. By living a life of confidence. And confidence building things. Bye bye.

No person should be this alone. We deserve community. I need friends. So I can grown and enjoy that side of life. It’s so important. So lucky that I have work every day to practice. And with the coolest people of Boulder! I had a great start at work at the reg talking to the person who has Graves Disease. No

I’ve grown to be attracted to unique, 4’s who are trying to be individuals. But really, that’s not who I’m after to marry. I want to marry someone like the girls I liked as a kid.  I’ll always attempt to express myself. 

I’m seeing how I can aspire to be. Not this fake image of indie cool style cool art cool everything. Something that I’m not. Ha ha! Stumbled upon yet another cliche that is true. I have to just be myself. And the more I’m being myself around others, the more I’m learning about myself. All I can do is embrace it. I’m pretty awkward I think. Idk. Man this is a huge post. Love knowing that this will one day be shared. 

I go here to write out the things I notice about myself through my subconscious thinking. When I need to put something down, it goes here and is ready for me if I need it. Just to get it out. Before I slip back away into the comfort of knowing I’m going to be just fine. It’s because the things are often quite alarming. But i also know that it’s my choice how I react to them. I should welcome them. Because I know when I see something new, it means I am growing and that is the most I can ever hope for.

Okay so I have to remember to pick up street photography so once I’m living in Philly, I can take better photos. Put in the work now. Sweet. 

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” - Nelson

T

Hiya, I’m back. Been a handful of days. I’m enjoying work now and becoming comfortable in my pursuit of growing and rising up in TJ’s, because that seems fun.

It also seems fun to become a manager of people. I spoke with Ryan on it, attempting to inspire him to see the grand opportunity he has laid out in front of him, but he didn’t seem to follow. The idea of thinking not about yourself but about how to help others grow, is such an appealing one. Like Ted Lasso haha. 

Been listening to TED talks and Brene Brown and she’s got me thinking about vulnerability again. My short film unwittingly revealed to myself how vulnerable I am when it comes to my shame of feeling lonely. Art does that. And in turn it heals you in some form or another. I’m thinking maybe I want to make a video or write a story on my trip to Miami Beach? But I’m not vulnerable about that because I am who I am today because of that trip. So that really shows me when I begin to tackle this piece, a new vulnerability will be revealed to me once I see it in totality. Who knows what that will be!

It’s It’s June 19th. At 12:32am. Today was a damn good day. I enjoyed work. Shared my music with a new friend, and he’s genuinely interested and digs it. How lucky I am. A coworker had Graves Disease. What’re the odds? I look forward to talking more about it. We both had never met someone with Graves. She didn’t get TED but she did go Hypothyroid and said she’s tired often now. I fear at one point I mentioned how she’s lucky to not have gotten TED as well. I hope I didn’t offend her. That was inconsiderate of me. I also made an offhand comment while bagging groceries where a coworker came up, told me there was a SKU number, and then asked if I could see it. I said something like yeah, then added that I have glasses and chuckled. She came back after the cust left and made sure she didn’t offend me for asking if I could see. Ughh that’s upsetting that I made her even question things and not a joke. But on the other hand, I am talking to lots of people and having mostly great conversations and learning to express myself and connect with all the great people around me. I feel so lucky, but it was my own doing that got me here! I quit my job. Hell yeah. Oh one last thing, I went up to Gray, a real cool art-y looking person and I asked if she was into art, and then she said yeah and asked how I knew and I literally said “i mean..” and gestured to her cool unique outfit. She cracked up and seemed truly taken aback that I did that. But she wasn’t offended. Just taken aback. Then we talked about art some more. I want her to be a member of VSAC someday. I’m just like my Dad, lol. I’m gonna get in trouble the more I’m out and about, but it’s totally worth it and people will love me for it all the same. Just like people love my Dad.

Making Moves

 Hey, sooo... I am actively searching for a job in public media out on the East Coast. The plan is to live back with my parents as I save some money and commute to work. Something was nagging at me today. Sorta like the Sunday Scary's, but not about work. Okay, yes about work, but also about my lifestyle in general. My life will soon be changing quite drastically for the first time in two years. I've been sort of driving forward with my head down, working hard to get a job and initiate the process. 

"Things always seem to fade away. Leaving the truth standing there ahead of you. Often too daunting to face. You turn away, back to your old ways. Back to that false sense of security and comfort you've worked so hard to build. Only when the time is right, a seed is planted that can break through and face the truth head on. This is when real change occurs. Whether that seed comes as a tragic event, a shock to the system, a breakup, a divorce, an ending or a beginning, it is all the same. What matters is it allows us to face what we so earnestly need.

The truth can be quite blinding. But then, a path appears. It is faint, and often unclear. There's certainly no telling where it leads. Suddenly, you have purpose. A path... something to follow. And we take our first steps. Oh, the joy! How freeing it can be."

This was my attempt at explaining how I feel. Granted, this is what I'm telling myself. I suspect there will be many times where I have to face hardships that leave me questioning it all. Why do I write like this? So formal. Yet awkward. A lack of vocabulary and substance to back up the wording of my many sentences. It is how I naturally write. I think I am a bit quirky. I need not be so hard on myself. I feel I am at my best when I am being true to myself, judgment free. And, to be honest, I'm quite excited about who I am. Not who I will be, but who I am now! I can be funny, likable, gentle, strong, passionate, enthused, loving, and genuine. What a hack genuineness is! People don't expect it. It's done me well up to this point, though it has placed me in a few tough places. That's to be expected. I'm learning, constantly ironing things out. I suspect I always will be! I'm grateful to have not closed myself off to the world.

My parents always told me I was good at writing. I believed it, but at the same time did not at all. Then, I began to shine in my job for my writing abilities. Granted, they were emails to customers that were all too often upset or irate, not novella's or poems. But is that what I would like to write? Ahah! I've jumped right over the important question. I did not ask "do I want to write", rather I asked "what do I want to write". Implying I do want to write. While I suppose I answered that question quite a long time ago, only just recently have I been able to see the answer myself. That's exciting! I wonder what quality of writing I can produce. You'd have to think it'd be quite rough, being I have such little experience. But that is how every good thing begins. I'm thinking more recently that I'd like to get into making short films again. Something tells me that I am capable of creating something noteworthy. I'd be a fool not to try. 

One last thing I would like to note. I've had a few dreams recently where the focus is me courting someone I find beautiful, inside and out. The awkward stage of feeling things out, knowing glances, a touch of hands. Both desperately wanting to meet and express their true love to each other. It's a feeling I haven't felt since grade school. There's something so alluring and pure to it. Something that perhaps doesn't make sense. Nothing is that simple in the real world. It's only something you can have in the movies or through the ignorance of youth. That's what I logically conclude... but admittedly I feel there's a chance of it still occurring. This seems like something a young adult would yearn for and get themselves in trouble during the process of trying to find it. Anyway, I'm still going to explore it haha! 

That feeling must be quite common, as I've felt it on and off throughout my entire life. As a matter of fact, back in an old post on this very blog I wrote about that yearning. Specifically a memory from my time in a hospital waiting room. It could be interesting to attempt to showcase this specific set of emotions through film, or writing. Present an age old idea to people in a way they can digest it. We can enjoy it together. We'll see! For now, let's just try to get through this big move best I can. I have a feeling my creative endeavors will be my saving grace during the lower times of my life. 

Alright! Finished a full blog. Look at me go! You know, I always secretly wished Mrs. Burnett, my AP English teacher who was responsible for assigning this blog, would come back and read my entries. I used to write these daring, out there (for the time) blog posts for her to read, only for me not to speak up in class. She encouraged me to participate more and share my thoughts. I so badly wanted to do so. We had these round table discussions and everyone would be saying an idea I wholeheartedly disagreed on. I was the type of guy to love Ayn Rand. So yes, a lot of my views may have been cringey looking back, but that's not really the point! Later on, I recall she mentioned enjoying my posts even after the project was complete. I still struggle to speak up. Sometimes. Maybe I will share my piece on the truth somewhere more public.

Talk soon!

Periods of off and on / Panic Attack

 I get stuck quite often. I'll be doing great, and then I just shut down. I forget about what matters to me, eat like shit, and get high more often. I think this is the first time I'm admitting to smoking pot online. It feels wrong but I don't think anyone will see this! 

It's funny. As I've never written down or addressed the new hobby I've picked up. I feel like it's so foreign, and I'm questioning whether I should have ever gotten into it. It feels embarrassing to discuss this, much to my surprise. I've begun using weed as a way to "give up" on the day. Once I decide that I don't care to do anything after work, my immediate response is to take a hit and see where the night leads. 

Sometimes it leads me to my couch, other times Dominos. Often times Dominos. I've found great joy in being high, and at the right times,  it helps me connect some mental pieces. 

Few Days Later

I am currently experiencing a panic attack. I've gotten much better at recognizing the feeling it brings with it. Often times I feel unable to focus and experience shortness of breath. Then I go into a state of watching youtube videos to avoid things. Deep breathing has helped greatly, though this time it's more of a temporary relief. As is writing this paragraph. 

Whenever I acknowledge a panic attack, it subsides. At least to a certain degree. The first few times I was so relieved that I knew I wasn't dying, that they ended in a large release of pent up emotions. They are happening more often, and I've never experienced it prior to moving to Boulder. I don't want to jinx anything, but I feel a lot better since I began writing. 

I have massive weekend stress - I think that's what caused this one. I feel obligated to always be doing something on the weekends. 

I'm coming down. This one was a much less intense attack than I've previously had. It is a massive phyiscal and mental relief. It's like both my brain and muscles were tense and couldn't relax. 

Written in 2017. Oof!

I want to be able to express myself.

First I should figure out why I want to do so.

I believe there are lots of people that don't have "it". The thing that me and only a few other people I know have. The majority of people I used to interact with seemed to be extras in a movie. Surface level personality with clear motives which lead them through their lives. Recently I have met others who seem to have full and deep personalities with interesting morals and traits. Unfortunately, both these types of people don't have "it".

I want other people who have "it" to see myself and feel a connection and an urge to meet. This is a selfish reason as I always have the best times and conversations with people who also share "it" with me. It's a great dream to imagine having people around me who all share "it". This can lead to many good things for my life personally.

If I could express myself and the "it" that I feel that I have, I feel as if it could benefit others who have "it" but never knew how to put it to words before this. There isn't anything written like this that I have ever found. I want to provide this for other people out there who feel similarly.

This is something that has been very prevalent in my life for many years now, and I have never given much thought into what really makes up this "it" that I feel. Diving deep into this topic will allow me to gain a deeper understanding on what "it" consists of.

This is, of course, a welcome distraction from other responsibilities I currently hold. I won't deny that, but I do believe this is a good thing I'm doing, and is something I should have done long ago.


With the reasoning behind me, I feel as if I'm able to move to the next steps. For now I'll just finish my thoughts. Recently I've been trying to figure out a way to express "myself" and the "it" which I contain. I'd like to think I'm a creative person, and I assume thats the route I have to go for expression. I've been making a lot of music lately, which seems like a promising route for expressing "it".

I struggle daily with the fact that humans taste in a topic is always better than what the human can actually create. I like a lot of funny videos and podcasts, but I know that my attempts at those things will be terrible compared to what I like. The fact of the matter is that the only way around this is to just start somewhere and keep going until you improve and find your voice/style. Luckily for me, I began to make silly music before I knew about any of that. I am already developing a style and have seen myself transform and improve throughout the past few years.

I'm not sure if music alone can express "it". I think it can be used to support "it" in many ways, but there isn't enough direct meat to really get it across to others.

I've missed a year! (and update)

Hello! I've just noticed that for the past 7 years, I've fallen back on writing a blog post. Unfortunately, due to some unprecedented circumstances, I've missed the year of 2020. Luckily, nothing really came up that year, really normal, and bland!

Of course, I'm only kidding. What a year 2020 was, for me and for everyone else. I am so so grateful that I have not directly been impacted by COVID-19 in any serious way. My family and friends are healthy, and I have a roof over my head. I was lucky enough to hold onto my job, and only work from home. We plan to go back next month. 

Due to all that went on in 2020, I have become much more attune to myself, and was lucky enough to become aware of some that I was not before! With that came some major mental hardships. I've found myself devoid of any motivation, feeling as if I've just found the key to life, to experiencing many periods of binge eating.

I have so many ideas and stories and things to try out on here due to the past years developments. Up to this point, I've never considered that I could enjoy sharing a lot about what I've been going through. Possibly, if I genuinely wanted to try, I think I could even help others go through the trials and tribulations that young adulthood brings about. I'm sure that could already be a flooded market, but I've yet to see anything going over exactly what I've been through. My parents have also mentioned something similar to that, and you know, I think that there's a chance. Of course, that would take a massive amount of effort and work, which are things I've not done in quite some time. Regardless, I want to begin writing more on here for myself if not to practice writing. 

It has been quite some time since I've last written something that wasn't a work email. I am curious to see if my writing style has changed along with the rest of me! So far, it feels just sort of formal. I've noticed my texts to people and old friends have become more formal, and impersonal.

I guess this post will just stick to covering how I may approach this blog for the time being. I could imagine writing "My Thoughts On" different things I've begun to see differently. This would be terrible for quite a long time, I figure. It may never amass to anything worthy of putting out in the world and hat is okay! I used to think sharing anything about yourself was a selfish behavior, though I quickly learned what my true selfish behaviors were, and writing was not one of them! 

What an exciting time! I look forward to putting some of my thoughts down. I have no clue if they will impress me, or be so obvious and simple. A lot of what I believe now is common sense to most people. I think the way I approached those discoveries is what could be interesting specifically during this time in adulthood. I am in my head often, for better or worse. So far it has been extremely helpful, though very limiting. 

Thinking more about what my target audience could be, I've made an adjustment. I'm an extremely late bloomer when it comes to a lot of core ideas. I was extremely self centered, rude and inconsiderate. I treated the friends I've had in a way I'm not proud of, and  just did not consider others in my own actions. Thank goodness I've grown from that, right? It's a work in progress but I'm confident to say I feel like a good person. Perhaps my writing could be centered around people who really need to get their shit together. 

Perhaps the book title would have the work F*CK in it, as all self help bookings do. I hate that trend. Check my IG story to see all the ones I found at B&N recently.

Lastly, it has been wonderful reading back past posts. It's really interesting and shocking seeing the changes. How funny was I in high school! Man, that is crazy that it was me writing those posts. 

It's getting late, have a good night and we will talk again soon!

Jake